Snape and Marge
by RebeccaRoy
Summary: So thanks to a few twisted people out there who I admire so much, I am doing wrong pairings here. None are to be taken seriously! No under age or sex, just good clean fun to be had!
1. Severus And Marge

_Disclaimer:_

_I do not own the characters of Harry Potter, these belong to that wonderful author JK Rowling and the various publishing companies used to publish her works. I am however borrowing them, no not to make money but for fun and fun only. :)_

_Summary:_

_So thanks to a few twisted people out there who I admire so much, I am doing wrong pairings here. None are to be taken seriously! _

_All the pairings will be over age and no professor x student or same sex. No sex scenes and very little violence or language, this is good clean humor you can share with your grandmother! I even include pot jokes for their enjoyment. (Runs very fast from horde of angry aging baby boomers)._

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Severus Snape and Margery Dursley: _In which Severus survives the snake bite, Sirius was in a coma and did not go through the veil and Harry ends up with some disturbing news;_

Harry sighed and sat down heavily at the scrubbed table in the burrow's kitchen. He could not believe the letter, was this a joke? Was this how one Severus Snape repaid him for saving his life? Going and getting hitched to _her_ of all people? Maybe he should have seen if Snape had suffered brain damage from what happened, that could be the only way to explain why he was with aunt Marge of all people! He looked up as a sea of flaming red hair came into the room, his family was here, Molly, Arthur, the insane Weasley twins, easy to tell apart as Fred, well he was dead but still here as a ghost. He could not leave George alone, that would be cruel. Ginny, Charlie Bill and Percy were all here, Arthur was at work still.

"He is mad." Harry said, "he married aunt Marge, the drunk vicious lout of an not-aunt I could ever have."

"Maybe she changed?" Fred said.

"Yea or she is exactly what he deserves." George added.

"We really should go see them." Ginny said.

"Take pictures of their kids, see how they turned out. Could not get any uglier." Bill said and at a glare from Molly, "well Snape was no looker and from how Harry described his aunt neither is she!"

"Guess I better go then." Harry said gloomily.

A week later found one Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley outside a charming country home. Harry was clad in an expensive black suit with green and gold tie. Ginny was in a long green gown of velvet that made her red hair stand out even more. Harry rang the bell and a small house elf answered, a house elf dressed in a shrunk Beatles tee shirt and faded jeans with a pageboy cap on. They entered and walked into the living room where Snape and Marge were at. Harry blinked, Severus was a bean pole with greasy curtains of black hair, a large hooked nose, thin lips and black eyes in a sallow skinned face. He was clad all in black, black tee shirt with ACDC in red lettering on the front, black thermal shirt and black jeans.

Marge was laying on the couch fatter than ever, she was clad in a pretty purple gown though that did not really help her look pretty but did look nice nonetheless. She had shaved and she looked well carried for and actually smiled at seeing Harry. Harry wanted to run but did not, the large shaggy black dog at her feet looked familiar to him, too familiar in fact. Crawling around said dog were two babies, each with an adorable mop of black hair and blue eyes. They did not look much like their parents at all and Harry wondered if this was a joke and someone would jump out and say "fooled you" to him. Harry had lots to say, so much so but all that came out was the following:

"Padfoot you traitor!" Harry said.

"Come now, I treat him good, he is much nicer than any dog I ever had!" Marge said. "You still a scrawny runt."

"Maybe that is because that is the way I am." Harry said, "Vernon made sure I ate, said that you can't run a car with no gas. I can eat what I want and not gain."

"Too true, and he is a good man, and we are getting married." Ginny said.

"Good, keep him in line, that is what men need, a good strong hand. Can't let them do what they want." Marge said, "that not right Sev?"

"Very much so, you keep me grounded and that is why I love you my Maggie."

"Why did you want to see me?" Harry asked.

"Oh, well it is a bit late but with the death eaters rounded up and all we were wondering, would you be godfather to our children?" Snape asked.

Harry wondered what dimension he had fallen into, this was not real, this was wrong on all levels. But all he could do was nod and agree, if he was crazy he might as well take the whole crazy train down with him. Snape and Marge beamed at him and Harry was sure somewhere someone was laughing their head off at his expense. How right he was, how very right he was.

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_Harry backed from his computer and rubbed his eyes. Ginny came up and saw the look on his face, amusement and worry all at once._

"_What is wrong?" She asked._

"_Someone by the name of Rebecca Roy, she is nutters, she paired Snape and Marge!" Harry laughed._

"_Ah about that…" Ginny said._

_A scream of terror could be heard halfway across the world and one author smiled a rather cold and cruel smile and went back to creating havoc across the uni- the web. Now I got Beatles songs stuck in my head (goes to put a record on, remembers to close dust cover so cats don't take a ride, sounds of silence waft through the house, wait that is Simon and Garfunkel, oh well just as good)…._


	2. Argus Filch and Minerva McGonagall

_Now this is dear LM Ryder aka The Lethal Weapon's fault, but she is clever so here goes!_

Argus Filch and Minerva McGonagall: _In which Argus rescues Minerva from a rogue catmint mouse, plays Beatles songs to calm her and help her to her human form and Harry finds out about the aftermath._

Harry was sure he was going to loose it, I mean he was mad, this was not an invite to that sort of thing! Filch and McGonagall were getting married, that was something he could not see, McGonagall deserved better than moldy old Filch after all! Yet he did not know the truth of things, not at all. You see it started after the war and Minerva was going about in her cat form when an enchanted mouse of the catmint kind was dropped by her by a cruel Peeves. She was unable to control herself and Filch found her. He had a house elf get rid of the mouse and carefully took the ailing Animagmus to his office. Yet she could not calm down so he took her to his rooms, tastefully done and who knew that Filch of all people loved lava lamps, beanbags and posters of plants that when lit by a black light showed pot plants?

He put the poor Animagmus on a paisley beanbag chair and when to a wall of records and an amazing sound system (yes certain electricity worked in Hogwarts it just had to be the right frequency, too strong and everything shorted out) and he put on a Beatles record. It was not until George Harrison came on singing "_Here Comes The Sun_" the cat calmed down, yawned and fell asleep. It was this and other things, movies, the _Parent Trap, Breakfast At Tiffany's, Mary Poppins, South Pacific, The Rope, Easy Rider_ and _Star Wars_ that got them to really see that they really loved each other and cared deeply about the other. Minerva was surprised at how kind and nice Argus could be, he was mean to the students not because he hated them but he cared deeply about them and wanted to keep them out of trouble. He felt that teens needed a firm hand, but he did not hate them at all.

Harry sulked as he was drug to the wedding by a determined Ginny, clad in his best suit and tie with new robes he sat and saw that Filch still looked a bit less moldy. Hagrid was the best man and he beamed as a the Impressive Clergyman (yes _that_ _one _dear folks) stood up to do the ceremony. Harry buried his head in his hands as the man clearly had a speech problem and this was not going as he hoped, or at all. He had to be dreaming, this was not happening! Why was his life so messed up? Why did he have such things happen to see people get together that should not? He looked up and listened to the clergyman speak:

"Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva... So tweasure your wuv."

Finally the who thing was over and Harry knew a hour or so more and he was free of this. He made small talk, handed over his gift, picked out by Ginny, a hardbound copy of _Old Possum's Book Of Practical Cats_ by TS Eliot. Minerva beamed and smiled at one and all, she was so happy to and glowed, how had she not fallen for this wonderful man? After an hour Harry fled and headed home, he needed something stronger than tea or whisky and so Ginny found him with a pipe and pot (note this is not illegal in the magical world but kiddies don't go doing what Harry is! Drugs are bad!). Finally Harry went for a fly and was pulled over by the Aurors for flying too slow and let go with a warning. He had a bag of dorritos and went to bed feeling very out of sorts indeed.

Meanwhile Minerva and Filch were far more in love now than ever before and would end up having a litter of kittens that would become the very first katkind of all time.

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_Harry rubbed his eyes and sat back from the computer. This was it, he was going to go find someone and have a talk with her. RebeccaRoy could not keep doing this to him! These stories were not funny at all!_

"_What is wrong Harry?" Ginny asked walking in._

"_This stupid author, she is not funny at all!"_

"_Oh she wrote about Minerva and Argus, how sweet!" Ginny said._

_Harry just buried his head in his hands and sighed. _


End file.
